I Have Decided to Invade Substack

Join me

Everyone I know who isn’t in prison is on Substack, and so I have decided to come aboard.

Substack is a vibrant platform for interesting thinkers, and I am looking forward to contributing to it for the next three years until I’m replaced by ChatGPT.

Specifically, I am expanding my podcast, The Political Orphanage, to Substack.

Q. What is The Political Orphanage? Do we vote on which orphans to sell?

A. It’s called “The Political Orphanage” because I don’t feel at home on any particular political team, and I’m very tired of the country descending into red team vs. blue team Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. I’m interested in understanding and fixing stuff. And to a lesser extent, dinosaurs.

Q. What kind of topics do you cover?

A. Basically everything except politics—I regret choosing that name! I’ve been on a history kick recently, with States that Weren’t, like Franklin and Nickajack. Before that, famous assassins, such as the guy who tried to smoke Andrew Jackson before Andrew Jackson nearly caned him to death on the steps of Congress. But the show often covers law, economics, policy, and how stuff works.

Q. A podcast, eh? How do you fund it? Money laundering?

A. I do two episodes every week: the main feed episode, and a bonus episode, available exclusively to patrons. This week’s bonus episode is Why Trump Wants Greenland. Last week’s was on Why It’s Hard to Make New States. Before that I did a popular one on The Death of McKinley and the Birth of Empire. Also, yes, I engage in money laundering—if the IRS asks, please tell them The Political Orphanage is a shipping company for a reputable import-export conglomerate.

Q. Aren’t you already on Patreon?

A. Yes, most of my legal income over the last five years has been via Patreon or bullfighting. I am expanding to Substack as well.

Q. Why?

A. Substack is a hub for content creators like me, and increasingly will be. I think the chat and community features are fun, and it’ll be a better place to build community and connect with other smart, painfully attractive people who are turned off by partisan hackery. Finally, it seems to have a much stronger algorithm and discoverability.

Q. Why not dump Patreon entirely?

A. Cowardice and fear of commitment. Which means that folks who already support the show via Patreon will continue to get the same content as usual! But I think the community element will increasingly shift to Substack.

Q. Will you be doing funny hot takes on the news, and also, can you help me get through my divorce?

A. I will probably do some hot takes on what Substack calls “Notes,” which I gather is like Twitter for people who read books. I am always here for you through the travails of your divorce, buddy! Meet me at IHOP in half an hour. (The new one, not the one by the mall.)

Q. So is your newsletter on Substack now, too?

A. Yeah, that’s right.

Q. I never signed up for your newsletter, either.

A. Apologies.

Q. It’s fine. You never send out newsletters anymore, anyway. Like, maybe once a year.

A. Yeah, I guess these days I put most of my energy into podcasting and money laundering.

Q. I know you mostly as a hip sex icon, not as a talking head. Where can I sample some of your podcast episodes?

A. We have a “Best Of” page which showcases top episodes. Enjoy!

Q. Which IHOP did you say we’re going to? The one by the mall?

A. NO! The new one! By the highway. Actually, no, fine, I’ll meet you at the one by the mall.

Thank you.